Welcome to the end of another year! It’s that time when we reflect, set new goals, and maybe, just maybe, make a few promises we *actually* intend to keep.
But let’s be honest, resolutions can be tough. Sometimes, the best way to tackle them is with a good laugh.
So, before you commit to that grueling gym routine or vow to finally learn Mandarin, let’s lighten the mood with some humor.
Here are some of the funniest New Year’s resolution quotes to get you through the season with a smile and maybe a chuckle.
Resolutions: The Funny Side of Self-Improvement
New Year’s resolutions are a time-honored tradition. They represent our desire to become better versions of ourselves.
However, the path to self-improvement is often paved with good intentions… and a few hilarious missteps.
This section celebrates the lighter side of setting goals, acknowledging that perfection is overrated and a good laugh is always in season.
1. “My New Year’s resolution is to be less sarcastic. I’ll start tomorrow… maybe.” – This quote perfectly captures the procrastination that often accompanies our best intentions.
2. “I resolve to stop procrastinating. I’ll start doing that next week.” – A classic twist on the resolution to overcome procrastination, highlighting its elusive nature.
3. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic. Wait, that’s not going to work.” – This humorous take plays on the difficulty of changing ingrained perspectives.
4. “I’m going to be more spontaneous this year. Or maybe I’ll plan it out.” – A funny contradiction that many can relate to when trying to embrace spontaneity.
5. “My goal for the new year is to be more organized. I’ll get to it eventually.” – This highlights the irony of being disorganized about becoming organized.
6. “I resolve to be more patient. But not with people who annoy me.” – A relatable caveat that humorously admits our patience has its limits.
7. “This year, I’m going to eat healthier. And by ‘healthier,’ I mean I’ll still eat cake, but maybe smaller slices.” – A playful redefinition of healthy eating that most of us can get behind.
8. “My New Year’s resolution is to finally understand women. I’ll probably need a few more years for that.” – A lighthearted jab at the complexities of relationships and understanding.
9. “I resolve to be more positive. I’ll start by assuming the best of people… until they prove me wrong.” – This quote adds a touch of realism to the aspiration of positivity.
10. “My goal is to get in shape. That’s ‘S-H-A-P-E,’ which stands for ‘Should Have Actually followed a plan.'” – A clever acronym that humorously points to past failures in fitness goals.
11. “I resolve to be more mindful. I’ll start by being mindful of the snacks in the pantry.” – A funny, everyday application of the concept of mindfulness.
12. “This year, I’m going to save money. I’ll start by not buying this resolution book.” – A meta-joke about the very act of making resolutions and spending money on them.
13. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more adventurous. I might even try a new flavor of potato chips.” – A humorous understatement of what constitutes adventure for some.
14. “I resolve to be a better listener. I’ll try to remember what you said after you finish talking.” – A witty take on the challenge of active listening.
15. “My goal is to learn a new language. I’m thinking of starting with ‘Netflix.'” – A modern, pop-culture twist on language learning, highlighting screen time.
16. “I resolve to be more disciplined. I’ll start by disciplining myself to not read this list.” – Another self-referential joke that plays on the idea of discipline.
17. “This year, I’m going to be more productive. I’ll start by being productive at avoiding work.” – A humorous redefinition of productivity that many can relate to.
18. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop making New Year’s resolutions. It’s a vicious cycle.” – A clever paradox that questions the very nature of resolutions.
19. “I resolve to be more decisive. Or maybe I’ll just decide later.” – A humorous example of indecisiveness disguised as a resolution.
20. “My goal is to be more charitable. I’ll start by donating my old clothes… to myself, to wear again.” – A funny twist on charity that emphasizes personal re-use.
These quotes remind us that it’s okay not to be perfect, especially when it comes to self-imposed challenges.
Dieting and Fitness: The Hilarious Struggle
The start of a new year often brings a renewed commitment to health and fitness. Gyms become crowded, and salads start appearing more frequently on dinner plates.
However, the journey to a fitter you is rarely a straight line, and often involves more than a few detours through the land of comfort food.
Let’s face it, the struggle is real, and sometimes, the only way to cope is with a laugh at our own (or others’) dieting and fitness woes.
21. “My New Year’s resolution is to start a diet. I’ll be on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – A classic pun that humorously highlights the difficulty of sticking to a diet.
22. “I resolve to exercise more. I’ll start by jogging to the fridge for snacks.” – A funny, relatable image of the short distance many of us are willing to travel for food.
23. “This year, I’m going to get in shape. I’m aiming for ’round.’ It’s a shape, right?” – A humorous play on words that redefines fitness in a more achievable, albeit round, way.
24. “My goal is to eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. I’ll count the fries as a vegetable.” – A cheeky justification for unhealthy eating habits, disguised as a resolution.
25. “I resolve to cut back on sweets. I’ll start with the ones that aren’t chocolate.” – This quote humorously acknowledges that chocolate is often the hardest to give up.
26. “My New Year’s resolution is to join a gym. I’ll go for a month, realize I hate it, and then cancel my membership.” – A candid and funny prediction of a common gym membership cycle.
27. “This year, I’m going to be more active. I’ll be the person who walks around the mall for exercise.” – A realistic and humorous take on finding accessible ways to be active.
28. “I resolve to drink more water. I’ll start by drinking water instead of soda… sometimes.” – A realistic, albeit small, step towards a healthier habit.
29. “My goal is to lose weight. I’m going to start by blaming my metabolism.” – A humorous way to deflect responsibility for weight gain.
30. “I resolve to eat breakfast every day. Even if it’s just a donut.” – This highlights how easily resolutions can be compromised by cravings.
31. “This year, I’m going to embrace a healthy lifestyle. Which means I’ll be ’embracing’ the couch a lot.” – A funny twist on embracing a healthy lifestyle, focusing on relaxation.
32. “My New Year’s resolution is to give up something I love. I’m thinking of giving up my dream of being a professional eater.” – A humorous exaggeration of what giving something up might entail.
33. “I resolve to try new workouts. I’ll start with the one that requires the least amount of effort.” – A funny admission of seeking the path of least resistance in fitness.
34. “This year, I want to feel good about myself. So, I’ll start by buying new clothes.” – A humorous, materialistic approach to boosting self-esteem.
35. “My goal is to run a marathon. Or at least run to the ice cream truck before it leaves.” – A funny comparison between an ambitious goal and a more immediate, desirable one.
36. “I resolve to have more energy. I’ll get it from coffee, of course.” – A realistic source of energy for many, rather than actual lifestyle changes.
37. “This year, I’m going to be disciplined about my diet. I’ll start after this pizza.” – A common, humorous excuse for delaying dietary commitments.
38. “My New Year’s resolution is to get a six-pack. I already have one… it’s a beer belly.” – A classic, self-deprecating joke about fitness goals.
39. “I resolve to stretch more. I’ll start by stretching the truth about how much I actually worked out.” – A witty take on exaggerating one’s fitness achievements.
40. “This year, I’m going to be healthy. Which means I’ll probably just eat more kale as a garnish.” – A humorous nod to the superficial inclusion of healthy foods.
These lighthearted takes on fitness and dieting remind us that a sense of humor is a crucial part of any health journey.
Financial Goals: The Humorous Pursuit of Wealth
The new year often prompts us to take a closer look at our finances. We might vow to save more, spend less, or finally get a handle on our budgets.
However, the reality of managing money can be complex, and our financial aspirations can sometimes lead to amusing situations.
This section pokes fun at our sometimes-unrealistic financial resolutions and the funny ways we approach earning and saving.
41. “My New Year’s resolution is to save more money. I’ll start by not buying things I don’t need. Like this resolution book.” – A meta-joke that points out the irony of spending money on self-help.
42. “I resolve to budget better. My budget will be: ‘Don’t spend too much.'” – A hilariously vague and unhelpful budgeting strategy.
43. “This year, I’m going to be financially responsible. Which means I’ll finally start paying my bills on time… next year.” – A classic procrastination joke applied to financial responsibility.
44. “My goal is to get rich quick. I’m thinking of winning the lottery, or finding a magical money tree.” – A whimsical and unrealistic approach to wealth accumulation.
45. “I resolve to stop impulse buying. I’ll start by impulse buying this new resolution journal.” – A humorous contradiction that highlights the difficulty of breaking bad habits.
46. “My New Year’s resolution is to invest wisely. I’m going to invest in more naps.” – A funny redefinition of investment that prioritizes rest over financial growth.
47. “This year, I’m going to be frugal. I’ll start by wearing my pajamas to the grocery store.” – A humorous example of extreme frugality that prioritizes saving money over appearance.
48. “I resolve to track my expenses. I’ll start by tracking how much I spend on coffee.” – A relatable focus on a common, small expense that can add up.
49. “My goal is to be debt-free. I’ll start by pretending my credit card statement is a grocery list.” – A humorous avoidance tactic for dealing with debt.
50. “I resolve to cook more at home to save money. I’ll start by ordering takeout to celebrate this resolution.” – A funny, self-sabotaging start to a money-saving resolution.
51. “This year, I’m going to be more generous. I’ll start by being generous with my compliments… which are free.” – A witty way to fulfill a resolution without spending money.
52. “My New Year’s resolution is to earn more. I’ll start by earning more sleep.” – A humorous interpretation of earning, focusing on personal well-being.
53. “I resolve to be more thrifty. I’ll start by using coupons for things I don’t need.” – A common, funny habit of coupon users.
54. “This year, I’m going to declutter my finances. I’ll start by decluttering my wallet… of all its money.” – A humorous, albeit painful, interpretation of financial decluttering.
55. “My goal is to be financially independent. I’ll start by borrowing money from my future self.” – A funny, paradoxical approach to financial independence.
56. “I resolve to be more mindful of my spending. I’ll start by mindfully not looking at my bank account.” – A humorous avoidance of financial reality.
57. “This year, I’m going to make a budget and stick to it. I’ll write it down… on a napkin.” – A lighthearted approach to budgeting that suggests a lack of seriousness.
58. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more prudent. I’ll start by prudently ignoring all sales.” – A funny twist on prudence, suggesting self-denial.
59. “I resolve to be more resourceful. I’ll start by creatively reusing my old gift cards.” – A humorous interpretation of resourcefulness that focuses on existing resources.
60. “This year, I’m going to embrace a minimalist lifestyle. I’ll start by getting rid of my debt… in my dreams.” – A humorous, aspirational take on minimalism applied to finances.
These quotes offer a humorous perspective on the often-challenging world of personal finance and goal-setting.
Personal Growth: The Quirkier Side of Self-Improvement
Beyond fitness and finances, New Year’s resolutions often delve into personal growth and self-improvement in broader, sometimes quirky, ways.
We aim to be kinder, more knowledgeable, or simply better at navigating the complexities of life.
This section celebrates the humorous and sometimes peculiar aspirations we set for ourselves in the name of becoming a more well-rounded individual.
61. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more present. I’ll start by being present… in the moment I decide to make this resolution.” – A playful take on the concept of presence, focusing on the act of deciding.
62. “I resolve to be more organized. I’ll start by organizing my sock drawer… eventually.” – A relatable example of tackling a small organizational task with a hint of procrastination.
63. “This year, I’m going to be more creative. I’ll start by creatively avoiding my responsibilities.” – A humorous redefinition of creativity, applied to evading tasks.
64. “My goal is to be more adventurous. I’ll start by trying a new route to work.” – A low-stakes, relatable form of adventure.
65. “I resolve to be more patient. Especially with people who talk too much.” – A humorous, specific target for patience that many can relate to.
66. “My New Year’s resolution is to learn something new. I’ll start by learning to say ‘no’ to more commitments.” – A practical and often humorous resolution focused on setting boundaries.
67. “This year, I’m going to be more spontaneous. I’ll plan it out carefully.” – A funny contradiction that highlights the difficulty of truly embracing spontaneity.
68. “I resolve to be more mindful. I’ll start by mindfully appreciating my nap time.” – A humorous application of mindfulness to a beloved activity.
69. “My goal is to be a better friend. I’ll start by remembering birthdays… maybe.” – A relatable struggle with remembering details, even for important relationships.
70. “I resolve to be more forgiving. I’ll start by forgiving myself for not sticking to my resolutions.” – A self-aware and humorous approach to resolution-making.
71. “This year, I’m going to be more confident. I’ll start by faking it until I make it… or at least until I get home.” – A humorous take on building confidence through outward projection.
72. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more articulate. I’ll start by practicing my ‘ums’ and ‘ahs.'” – A funny way to approach improving speech, focusing on imperfections.
73. “I resolve to be more empathetic. I’ll start by trying to understand why people eat the last cookie.” – A relatable, humorous exploration of empathy towards everyday annoyances.
74. “This year, I’m going to be more disciplined. I’ll start by disciplining myself to not eat the entire box of cookies.” – A humorous acknowledgment of temptation and the struggle for self-control.
75. “My goal is to be more efficient. I’ll start by efficiently procrastinating on my tasks.” – A funny redefinition of efficiency, applied to delaying work.
76. “I resolve to be more productive. I’ll start by being productive at finding new ways to avoid work.” – A humorous take on productivity that focuses on clever avoidance.
77. “This year, I’m going to be more humble. I’ll start by admitting I’m the best at making resolutions.” – A humorous contradiction that plays on ego and humility.
78. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more understanding. I’ll start by understanding that I’m not going to achieve all my resolutions.” – A realistic and humorous acceptance of imperfection.
79. “I resolve to be more decisive. I’ll decide later if I want to stick to this resolution.” – A funny example of indecisiveness masquerading as a decision.
80. “This year, I’m going to be more introspective. I’ll start by introspecting on why I’m always hungry.” – A humorous focus on a common, everyday concern.
These resolutions offer a humorous reminder that personal growth is a journey filled with learning, laughter, and the occasional absurd moment.
Resolutions We Secretly Hope We Don’t Keep
Sometimes, the most amusing resolutions are the ones we make with a wink, knowing deep down that they’re probably not going to stick.
These are the aspirational goals that sound good on paper but are often riddled with loopholes or simply too challenging to maintain.
This section celebrates the humor in setting resolutions we secretly hope we won’t have to uphold, for our own sanity and enjoyment.
81. “My New Year’s resolution is to stop saying ‘literally’ all the time. I’m literally going to try.” – A self-contradictory resolution that highlights the difficulty of breaking verbal habits.
82. “I resolve to be more punctual. I’ll start by arriving fashionably late to my own resolutions.” – A humorous twist on punctuality, embracing tardiness.
83. “This year, I’m going to embrace a minimalist lifestyle. I’ll start by getting rid of my Netflix account.” – A humorous exaggeration of minimalism that targets a beloved modern convenience.
84. “My goal is to become a morning person. I’ll start by setting my alarm for… noon.” – A funny admission of a deep-seated aversion to early mornings.
85. “I resolve to be more disciplined. I’ll start by disciplining myself to not eat dessert for a week.” – A challenging resolution that many secretly hope they won’t have to endure.
86. “My New Year’s resolution is to learn to play a musical instrument. I’ll start by learning the recorder… in my dreams.” – A humorous choice of instrument that suggests a lack of serious commitment.
87. “This year, I’m going to cut back on caffeine. I’ll start by switching to decaf… eventually.” – A hesitant step towards reducing caffeine intake, with a clear delay.
88. “I resolve to be more social. I’ll start by attending a party… that I’m already invited to.” – A humorous way of defining social engagement with minimal effort.
89. “My goal is to read more books. I’ll start by reading the backs of cereal boxes.” – A funny, low-effort approach to achieving a reading goal.
90. “I resolve to be more adventurous with my cooking. I’ll start by trying a new recipe… that I saw on TV.” – A slightly adventurous goal that relies on external guidance.
91. “This year, I’m going to organize my entire house. I’ll start by organizing my ‘to-be-organized’ pile.” – A humorous depiction of overwhelming tasks and the creation of a new category for them.
92. “My New Year’s resolution is to write a novel. I’ll start by writing the title.” – A funny way to acknowledge the immense task of writing a novel by focusing on the very first, easy step.
93. “I resolve to be more tech-savvy. I’ll start by learning how to turn my computer off and on again.” – A humorous example of basic technological skills being a resolution.
94. “This year, I’m going to be more mindful of my screen time. I’ll start by mindfully scrolling through social media.” – A humorous contradiction that highlights the difficulty of reducing screen time.
95. “My goal is to be more assertive. I’ll start by assertively asking for a refill of my drink.” – A humorous, low-stakes application of assertiveness.
96. “I resolve to be more artistic. I’ll start by drawing a picture of a stick figure.” – A humorous understatement of artistic ambition.
97. “This year, I’m going to learn a new skill. I’ll start by learning how to perfectly reheat leftovers.” – A practical, albeit mundane, skill presented as a resolution.
98. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more outgoing. I’ll start by smiling at strangers… from a distance.” – A cautious approach to being more outgoing.
99. “I resolve to be more disciplined with my time. I’ll start by scheduling a ‘procrastination break.'” – A humorous way to legitimize procrastination within a structured schedule.
100. “This year, I’m going to be more realistic with my goals. My only goal is to survive until the next New Year’s Eve.” – A funny, relatable resolution that focuses on endurance.
These resolutions, with their tongue-in-cheek approach, remind us that the spirit of New Year’s is also about embracing our imperfections with a smile.
So, as you embark on your own resolutions, remember to inject a little humor into the process.
Laughter is often the best medicine, especially when facing the challenges of self-improvement.
Here’s to a New Year filled with joy, laughter, and maybe a few resolutions that actually stick (but it’s okay if they don’t!).